It is Official!

Alright my dear friends, it has happened to me...I am actually  at that time in life where all things MOM have gone to yet another level.  My daughter was Married August 9th and my son left the state for college on August 12th. I am sure you are wondering..."What ever happened to that college freshman last year? Last we heard you were going Postal Mom on him? We thought he was going to college already?"

You would be right to wonder.  His uncle and I found him, brought him home and he decided perhaps college was not his thing! So..he stayed home for a year and grew tremendously. It was very good for mom too, as many of you empty nesters know....It is Hard enough to see them go when you know they are ready, but when you are NOT sure...it can tear you apart.

So now...gone are the days of gangly arms flailing about, boat sized shoes tripping over themselves, , shaving nicks and cuts with toilet paper stuck on the chin and late night fridge raids. Gone are the movie nights with mom and the much needed hugs  when no one is looking. No more "did you use deodorant? Have you brushed your teeth?  and especially no more "Goodness son, Did you eat it ALL?"  ( I smile to myself as I say that. It seems to be the one thing I would say on a daily basis.) Gone are the quiet talks with  mom  just cause he needs it, and no more opportunities to see him stretch those long arms around me for just "one more hug" before bed.   I will miss the  youthful innocence of an honest young man as well as the smile that lights up a room.  I know he is not gone forever, but I will see a bit more to that smile when he returns home for the holidays. It wont be a little boy coming home and in-spite of my tender heart, that will be a Great thing. I might have the opportunity to  glimpse into this bright new world of his, perhaps  he will return with differing opinions than myself or he may have interesting things to teach Me.I might be allowed to listen in about his new found passion ( as I am certain there will be many along the way.) My young boy will most certainly take on a greater manly appearance as his voice is still changing as he continues to grow. I might imagine he will do his best, perhaps make a few poor decisions, but as usual always find a way to fix what he needs tofix and make it all better.
 Pondering the what if's are bittersweet to my soul. I will forever treasure the time I had alone with him these last 20 months. It was a true gift from God. He needed me and I needed Him! It was a time in my life I know I did well. I was able to prepare my son for as many pit falls as I could, and yet, I left some alone as he needs to  discover personally some of the painful sad truths along the way!
I am confident he is one of the good guys!  So, as I finally put the tissues aside from the last round of tears, I comb my hair, take a deep breath, and  move on with my new life as a single woman looking for something to nurture!  AHA!  I forgot all about ME! HEY....WHAT ABOUT ME? Who Am I?
What am I going to do with the rest of MY life? Do I go back to school? Volunteer? Where do I live? What is out there in this big old world anyway?  I really need MY mom right now.
No one prepares you for the letting go stage of life.  I suppose I am back where I started...single, loving God, and looking for a way to Serve Him.
BUT....
I am STILL going to try to get to DISNEYLAND!

The Wee Hrs of Mourning

Well I guess I am not a blogger, but a random writer. I think we all need to take breaks in life. I think they are essential to keep the juices flowing . ( Did I need a vacation??) I am amused with myself right now as these past10 months have been a wild roller coaster for me that is certain.  This blog post might be a bit introspective and perhaps somber to many, but a truthful one at that. I usually write  funny things about life, kids, lessons learned and  my perspective through it all. Today I am a little more serious in my thoughts.  New to the  single life this past year was tough enough, but not as tough as the sudden loss of my mother, the ordeal of putting down my beloved retriever "Gunner" , sending kids off to college, and relocating to another state . It has been one heck of a journey!  Many life altering circumstances came rushing in like a flood and almost overwhelmed me this year!  The life changing events of the past 12 months could have taken me out. I must say, I almost believed they would! But, here I am - reentering the outside world. I am emerging from that warm cave of retreat. It had become a somewhat darkened, lonely,  and deeply emotional pace, and yet I feel the need to rename it all. To say what has happened did not change me would be a disservice to  my belief in a Good and Merciful God.  I learned about myself this year. Yes I have! I have learned I am extremely forgiving, deeply faithful, and not at all controlling as many have spoken about me.  I have learned much  more about life so much more about people. I mean, I have heard these words and perhaps even read them somewhere, but I am  saying I JUST LEARNED them.They have actually sunk into my spirit like a heavy weight.  I have learned you can't really know anyone as well as God knows them. You will never really know them inside their thoughts. It is impossible.  I have also learned life is delicate and beautiful and short. Way too short not to say I love you, or give hugs, or even share a cup of tea. The biggest thing I have ever learned is this-
Seasons in life are just that...Seasons! God created them for us so we could spend time in the deep winter and then come out for Spring. To enjoy our Summers and reap the blessings of the Fall.  I have come through a deep, very dark Winter and can feel the warmth of spring emerging in my soul. I have His promise through His Resurrection that I will be OK. I am going to make it like everyone else is going to make it who has this faith in Him. I am renaming that place-  JOY. Yes, it is now called JOY!
I will never be the same and that I believe is a good thing because God will get  the Glory in  what the enemy of my soul meant for my harm!
So here's to JOY!

Empty Nest Already???

I think the hardest thing as a mom is to just sit back and watch them make their mistakes.
We can walk around the issue and try to be"Cool"  but it takes a special person to Hold Off and just ...hang.
I have been watching my College kids do their thing now and it has been amazing on how much  I am growing! I crack myself up.
Back in the day when I went off on my own- I remember  feeling like I was invincible- I could do ANYTHING I wanted!  When it came time to look for a job- all I qualified for was fast food restaurants, as a maid in a hotel or baking pizzas. WOW!
I learned right away I was not going to make it anywhere unless I went off to school.
Feeling very empty Nester right now.   My daughter is a Jr in college and that was very rough letting her go. Just sent off my Freshman son.  Does he really know what texting is; or what the phone is used for? If so...where are MY calls and MY texts? I am the MOTHER after all... Does he not know I am dying inside waiting for him to respond to my desperate cries for help?
OK OK OK! I know you all think I am going  postal mom here...but he is my BABY! He does NOT know how to handle himself in the real college world.  You don't understand how  "special" he is. How vulnerable he can be and how innocent he is....

ALRIGHT!  Last week I just heard he has not been going to classes! What is up with that?  The dorms must be so noisy that he is oversleeping...perhaps I need to get a new alarm clock?  OH...he is making it to his meal times? He has no problem going to his freshman activities?  Maybe his cell phone cord is lost and his battery is dead on his phone? I am sure that is it!
OK rude awakening... He has shut out the world the last two weeks!

Why??? What did I do?? Where did my sweet boy go?  I am sure it is the power of other students who have been a bad influence on him. I mean, everyone knows what a sweet boy he is! Anyone will tell you!
I spoke to his student adviser yesterday and received the harsh words that my darling has been ditching classes and not attending required meetings at school!  ALRIGHT.... now it is time for POSTAL MOM to engage..
Will he live to see tomorrow? Will he enlist in the Air Force? Or will you see him at your local car wash working for tips???
We shall see in my next posting!

Seasons..Wish they wouldn't change so fast

Well it has been about 9 months since my last post. How appropriate for my timing.  I  believe Ihave birthed a new phase in my life both as a  mom and a woman.
The seasons of motherhood can be hard to accept as our children grow. We know they have to, as it is a part of the natural  progression of life. I have experienced different emotions as my kids have grown. Some have been delightful, others painful, while others have been awe inspiring.  I remember my daughter in kindergarten; her independent spirit seemed to make her invincible. She was VERY opinionated about what she wore- the colors she selected and how she insisted on doing her own hair style. I was never allowed to brush her hair or put in clips, I was only there to monitor that she looked presentable. We laugh now at the pictures of  the 10-12 multicolored  butterfly hair clips placed perfectly symmetrical over the crown of her head in such regal adornment!  Everything must match. She had HER style and no one was going to tell her any different!  These past several months that little independent spirit  seemed to take a back seat as she prepared to go off to college. Leaving home at 19 and  a 3rd year student might not seem  a big deal to some, but I noticed this budding  intellectual beauty seemed a bit reserved.  As is our tradition every morning,  we were on my bed sipping our hot cups of tea having our daily  chat as mother and daughter.  In the middle of the conversation, she burst into tears and said: " Mommy, what if I HATE this school? I am so afraid I will miss you too much?"   Well, you know  my heart  exploded with laughter, tears, and joy all at the same time!  We hugged,laughed, cried, and  cherished our final moments on my bed enjoying the quiet time alone.
Letting go and  releasing our children into the harsh wonderful new adventure of their life can be tough, but richly rewarding as well. I made it an entire 4 days with out calling or texting her. I was so proud of myself, I think I deserve a reward! It is hard to let her go, but I KNOW this time in her life is the time she will solidify her womanhood, set her goals in life, make mistakes, and  Never regret her choice to leave home. She will find lifetime friends, perhaps  change fashion and realize I do NOT know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING!  That last part will be tough for me. When your daughter looks to you as her life long encyclopedia, it is hard to humble yourself and allow her to be the one who might have a little more knowledge than you.. I will finish my cup of tea now as I know she is sipping hers in her dorm room getting ready for class. Perhaps I should plan a surprise road trip late spring?

Teens and Media

OK-
   I am a MOM pretty frustrated today about cell phones, face book, mp3 players/ ipods, and computers in general!
   I know we need to have these things in our homes to keep us up on the local news, the postings of friends and relatives who live far away, and as a convenient way for the family to stay connected as we go through this VERY busy time in our lives. I also understand media is a wonderful tool for us as parents to keep a tight rein on the activities of our kids... BUT... right now...I could put them all in a pile & blow torch the entire lot into an enormous pile of hot fused molten gray metal!
   When you tell your teenager about the dangers of answering EVERY text, e-mail, face-book query, or phone call with caution, and you have actually given scenarios of "STRANGER DANGER," which includes the grossest things you could imagine- you might think some of it actually sunk in...right?  WRONG!  They are still teenagers, and they have their own ideas about following instructions. While listening to your latest media guidelines, they look at you with those wide eyed blue (brown, or green) eyes...full of earnest intent to grasp everything you are saying. They furrow their brows as if taking in ancient, deep wisdom. They might even burst out with a quick question that is completely on topic of what the years of knowledge are imparting to their young mind.  Smiling , you give the new media device to your now well informed teen, knowing they are not only the most intelligent child in the universe, respectful to you their ever so wise parent, they are now ready to face this bright new world with cell phone etiquette in hand.  You've done your job. Patting yourself on the back, displaying a huge grin, you walk confidently away from the home, giving them some time to be alone and responsible with their new found device!.
   Not one hour later you receive a report that this same well informed teen (who may we remember is THE smartest child in the universe?)  has just gone onto the internet with said phone and has run up a media bill (which was NOT on their phone plan) to the tune of over $1500!!! If that weren't the worst- this same teen managed to dupe you into believing it was not their fault. They did NOT go on the internet with their new cell phone- nor have they ever played those games!
(May we re-visit that media talk from a paragraph ago?)
   As they sat there furrowing their brow and asked an "on topic" question... Here is the truth to what was going through their brain:
"COOL phone. Love the fact that I can get FREE GAMES too. I know my friend on face book was telling me how to do it the other day.... I am gonna love texting, sending pictures, and sharing games with all my friends! This is gonna be SO cool!" (All the while you were wasting your breath thinking something was REALLY sinking in this time!)

   So...off you march to the cell phone store to have it out with the sales person who was supposed to have blocked your kid from the cell phone internet feature. You spend hours fighting   for your parental right to protect your teen and for the reversal of the bill (which you triumphantly accomplish).  In the meantime, you have given yard work, slave labor, and hours of writing assignments to correct the "wrong" your young genius has committed.  Then, out of nowhere, the sweet repentant child comes to you in sorrow, confessing their stupidity and honoring your consequences like a grown up. You melt.  You must stand your ground because you know it is good parenting to hold your position...then you remember what it was like to be a goofy teenager wanting another chance... and you give in!  There you go beaming from ear to ear with anticipation, you hand them back the communication device a few days later, so proud they have learned their lesson.   Then, as they wander off with their new found freedom, you wonder...what was it I needed most as a teen?  OH, that's right...SPACE...and sleep!       
  I suppose I can trust again, but it is so difficult in this crazy world of media.  Where will it lead my kids? What will happen to them? Have they learned enough truth about today's media perps and gps tracking and how to protect themselves? Will it stick in their brains?  I guess all parents come to this in their lives at one point or another. I just have to let it be.
 I promise to put the blow torch away now and bring the devices back in the house. I will dutifully plug them back in and act as if nothing is wrong.... I will give them the benefit of doubt....until the next battle!

I'm workin on it

April 11th

Ever tell someone you were “Working on it?"  But what you really wanted to tell them was:
"I put it on the back burner because my son just proved to me he was actually 7 and not his biological age of 16."

Yeah, I've had days like that... At times you hear “Yes Ma’am" after you asked a point blank question: “Did you shut the water off outside?"  Only to go out 6 hours later and the flood is watering not only your neighbors grass, her weeds, her newly planted flowers that are now uprooted and laying limp in a pile of garden mud, but you also notice the cars are hydroplaning as they float past your house!
  OH, how I have wondered why God created us so the frontal lobe of our brain is not fully developed until AFTER 25. Teen boys are amazing, sweet, dangerous, and mind boggling simultaneously.  Cold damp hands, crackling voice, ankle length jeans you just purchased  6 weeks ago, and the ever present "Oh, I forgot" , are the staples of our daily lives.  To be fair here, I must include- the tender hugs saved just for mom, the "I love you" whispered before bedtime, and the "I can handle it mom; go take a rest" moments.  All they want is for us to show them some respect, like we do their Dad, to be told they are GREAT when they aren't acting like it, and to let them know we will love them forever even when they just trashed your beautiful crystal candle holder while trying Kung-Fu moves in the living room.  Boys...the amazing adventure!

Blessings!